The Takeover

A blog I’ve been saying I was going to write for months, because every time I discuss my perspective on this issue, I either disgust people, or get them to nod in agreement. It’s one of the few things in life that I am sure of. Without further adieu, take this in. Pause.

Guys can NOT be “best friends” with a girl unless:

1. They have damn near known each other since 5 or younger.

2. She is irrevocably ugly. In which case, she probably fits the criteria of #1.

Now let me get this out the way. This is not saying that Girls can’t be best friends with a guy. I believe that is somewhat possible, even though I’m skeptical of that as well. Alot of times its your Emergency Dick in a Jar. Just know that your guy “bff” is not genuine about saying the same. Now, at this point, girls are probably saying “WTF?! Why not?!” While guys are thinking “Oh shit, this nigga about to put me on blast.” Here’s my list of reasons why this can not happen, period:

1. You and the guy hooked up/dated at some point. This is the most common case in my opinion.

2. The guy liked you at some point/professed his love to you. A guy is not going to get so close to a girl to be considered her “best friend” and not feel some kind of way about her, at some point in that friendship.

3. Never hooked up? Never professed his love? It’s not even like that at all? Just friends? Okay. Get drunk one day and point blank offer him head/pussy. Watch what he says. A guy will pipe his so-called “BFF.” Maybe its just me, but I don’t believe in having any kind of sexual tension with your closest friend. Which is why they’re my male niggas.

4. You have a boyfriend. Your BFF is probably lying in wait, praying that you leave the boyfriend and realize what a great guy he is. #SuckaShit

I remember discussing this with a lady friend of mine, who was trying to persuade me that her and her male BFF were strictly platonic. After investigating, I got her to realize that he actually fit #’s 1, 2, and 4. She then attempted to trump my theory by asking since me and her were relatively cool, would I ever take her to pipeville. I said yes in 0.5 seconds. Explained that even though a dude may not be tryin to HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA ( (c) Chapelle) doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t hit. Because there are 4 categories of women when it comes to “Would you pipe?” Oh Lord. That’s another blog for another week. Anyways, I then got her pregnant. Just kidding. About the pregnant part, I hope.

Anyways, all that is to say that a guy can’t be “BFF’s, bestie’s” or whatever gay term is out there with a girl. They can be homies. I have a lot of female homies. But that #3 applies alot. Don’t get mad, I’m only being real (c) Snoop.

*reverbing “Yea”….cue Nate Dogg*