The Takeover

Hey. Me and Hawdwerk (Hawdwerk and I? Hawdwerk and myself? I need to call Mrs. Osman and check my 3rd grade Grammar rules) are releasing our High Power Moves album next week! Ow! Pow! Bang! Shaboing!

Speaking of Ow, Pow, Bang, and Shaboing, I was watching old rap videos on Youtube, all of them containing Video Hoes. It got me to thinking, which Video Hoes usually inspire, about how our perception of what is attractive can change throughout the years. Like, what did I think was sexy throughout my 23 years? Who were my celebrity crushes (No Tiger Beat)? Its a good thing I have a good memory. Let’s go on a journey through time and dimes:

1991: Mariah Carey

As far back as I can remember, Mariah Carey was my first crush. Of course it had to be a white woman. The Vision of Love video stole my lil heart and prompted me to break up with Meagan at the Swings and Amber at the slide. Actually, Amber dumped me because Shamiya told her too, because I was too tall and had another gf named Meagan. I swear on my life that this is a true story. Ask my mother if you ever meet her.

1993/1994: Cindy Crawford

Another white woman. Don’t judge me. The mole did it for me. I even knew at a young age that she was married to Richard Gere at the time. What 8 year old looks up Celeb Gossip to see if somebody they covet is single? Justin Keith Williams.

1996: Topanga

I swear. Color is coming. Lets be real, its the lips. I’d take her down to this day. I don’t care if she put on weight, as long as those lips didn’t lose weight. Pow!

1997: Halle Berry

No words are needed. It just “clicked”.

1999: Jet Magazine Page 43

All black teenage males at this time period know what page 43 is. For those that don’t know, its the “Jet Beauty of the Week” where there were many hits and misses. At this time, I was stealing my mom’s magazines and cutting page 43’s out, throwing them up on my wall. P.S. I chose this girl because her name is Seconda.

2001: Aaliyah

Babygirl, awh. Aaliyah actually had it from 95 till she passed. But damn if she didn’t look good before she left. SMH. I still don’t like talking about her. I was smitten.

2002: Amerie

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

2003: MUHF*CKIN BEYONCE

I dare you to show me a female that looked better than Beyonce in any of those videos she did for the Dangerously in Love album. I’ll wait.

2007: Lauren London

I wanted her so bad. She was the perfect mix of gorgeous/down to earth. And then she let a syrup-induced Gremlin put his tentacles inside of her. Never the same.

2008-2009: Kim Kardashian

Pull over. Do you know why I pulled you over? Not necessarily because you were on your cell phone. Actually, its because your ass was too phat!

2010 On Sport’s Radar

Rosa Acosta: I’m happy that Youtube doesn’t consider her stretching videos to be porn. Then again, 13 yr old boys are happier.

Megan Fox: She’s cute in a skinny way. Lips.

Keri Hilson: I don’t know why. But we have something special…maybe she’s my around the way girl.

Rashida Jones: Okay, you’re probably thinking “really?” The fact that she’s cute and funny and the daughter of Quincy Jones makes me wanna go splat.

-’Sport